In the past few years, I have become obsessed with learning more about romantic relationships. I have worked with coaches, attended tons of workshops, read dozens of books and practiced all my tools meticulously when dating someone.
I find it fascinating that relationships are actually the best place to learn about ourselves. The people that we are attracted to hold a fragment of ourselves that we need to integrate. We go around looking for these “lost fragments” in other people so that we can reclaim them and return to our wholeness.
I’m talking about the aspects of ourselves that we have supressed or repressed— everything we don’t allow ourselves to be— for fear of not being accepted exactly as we are. We are attracted to people that hold some of those aspects that we have disowned or judged. We do this unconsciously because deep down, what we really want is to heal our past wounds.
Most people want to create a conscious relationship with a partner. What they don’t know is that a “conscious relationship” is an INSIDE JOB — It starts with the relationship with ourselves.
A conscious relationship is two people coming together from a place of WHOLENESS instead of expecting someone else to complete them.
When we enter a relationship from that understanding, that relationship becomes exciting—because we can use it to evolve ourselves.
Our relationship with ourselves gets reflected in our relationship with our partner. If we have a loving relationship with ourselves, that’s the kind of relationship that is going to be mirrored back to us. And the same applies to the opposite of that. If we are abusive with ourselves, we are going to attract toxic people into our lives.
The more we become whole, the more we attract people that are more aligned with who we are.
The best way to know whether we are with the right partner or not, is by showing up fully authentic at any given moment.
We have to be willing to LET GOof a relationship by being true to the best within ourselves.
The relationships that are right for us will grow stronger if we own our POWER. And relationships that are TOXIC will be clearly revealed the more we honor who we are.
Pretty darn interesting right? Easy to say and hard to do, I know…
However, I assure you that the more YOU love yourself, the harder it becomes to settle for a TOXIC relationship.
Here are the basic steps to create a Conscious Relationship: 1) Self – Acceptance: This is purely the key to love ourselves more deeply. By accepting all the aspects of ourselves that we have suppressed and repressed. The things that we are uncomfortable with— what we don’t want other people to see… These can be emotions that we label as negative or bad. We hold them back because we have a judgment about them.
We embrace these things, rather than reject these things. This allows us to be in better relationship with ourselves and with other people.
2) Vulnerability: Vulnerability is really the courage to show up in our fullness, to be authentic and reveal the truth as we see it. We cannot be vulnerable unless we accept ALL of who we are. If we can’t be compassionate toward our own feelings and emotions, we will encounter people that can’t be compassionate with our feelings.
Vulnerability is showing up in the world without a facade. It’s allowing ourselves to be seen – even if there are no guarantees.
When we show up in our fullness, the people that are right for us will stick around – and the people that are NOT will fall off quickly.
3) Healthy Boundaries: Boundaries are not bad, mean or cold. Boundaries have a negative connotation because the root is fear. If you think they are about saying NO, you’re far from the truth.
Boundaries are designed to keep the right people into our lives and to become clear about the people that are not a match.
Boundaries start with ourselves. In order to know what’s OK and what’s not OK, we need to love and accept ourselves. This is why Self -Acceptance is at the top of this list.
When we know ourselves, we can tune into our body and know exactly what doesn’t feel good and what we wouldn’t tolerate. We will also learn to say YES more to everything that feels right and honoring to us.
Setting boundaries is simply saying to someone: “I respect myself, I respect you, let’s respect each other.”
Create the best relationship with yourself, honor your truth – and be willing to walk away from toxic relationships.
There are plenty of good men and women out there – that are willing to do the work that is required to love you well.
You are worthy of great love and the right partner will show up – when you become the right partner for you.
Cheers to good love,